Let’s talk miscarriage

WARNING:

This blog contains sensitive and personal information.  This information is from my personal experience and is no way professiona advice.  Just a Mummy telling her story…

It’s taken me a long time to write this so please bare with..

The silence annoyed me. The lack of knowledge I had around the subject annoyed me. I sat in a small room, on my own just angry at life. Why me?

Miscarriage is SO common, I know family and friends that have been through it so why didn’t I understand what was happening and what was to come was completely unknown.

My pregnancy with Harley was simple. I fell pregnant, enjoyed being pregnant, gave birth in a few hours and was home that night. Surely this could happen again.. Or not!

I fell pregnant in September, we were over the moon. Newly weds, so happy to continue our future and give Harley a best friend. At around 9 weeks, I had some spotting. It was dark brown, nothing much and when asking around was surprisingly common. I mentioned it too my midwife and she reassured me brown was ok and was common and to try not to worry. After around a week it had completely gone so I continued as usual. 

In December, the day of my 12 week scan came, I was so excited and nervous of course! Tom and I sat off in good time. Unfortunately our car broke down, absolutely typical. I had to leave Tom waiting for the AA, book a taxi and go on my own. The worst scenario but still hopeful I would come back with good news. I remember the rain pouring down as I waited for a taxi, calling the hospital panicking that I’d miss my appointment and not get to see my baby on the screen. The hospital were understanding and told me they’d wait. 

As I got there, I felt so stressed but I waited patiently, texting Tom making sure the car was being recovered. My head was all over the place! I got called in and the man had a good push on my stomach. I remember him commenting on my empty bladder and how little I must of drunk that day. I was thinking no wonder, I’ve had the day from hell so far!  There was a minute of silence which felt like forever…then I heard the dreaded words “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat”. 

I could feel my lip tremble, trying to hold back my tears. I’d never felt so helpless and alone in all my life. They put me in a room, gave me tissues and told me the midwife would be in soon. I text Tom, repeated those dreaded words and sat staring into space.  The midwife explained this was a “missed miscarriage”, something I’d never heard of. But basically my body was still trying to grow a baby that was no longer alive. I guess the most common thing you hear of is bleeding at home first, then going to get checked and a doctor confirming you has miscarried. But not me, I was the opposite waiting until my 12 week scan to get told our baby was no longer growing. It was the worst feeling, I felt so sad my body was holding onto our baby. 

I guess this next bit is what makes me feel angry and hurt. What would happen next? I honestly believed it was a heavy period and it would be over. NO it most certainly wasn’t. Now I know everyone is different and people experience different things but if you carry a baby up until 10/11 weeks it is not just a heavy period. I waited for almost 10 days for my body to miscarry naturally. It never did, it just carried on thinking I was pregnant. So I booked into have it surgically removed at 7am on the Wednesday morning. On Wednesday, around 2am I woke up with the most excruciating pains. I honestly felt like I was in labour again. I began to cry and woke Tom up. “This must be it” I said. I went into the bathroom and miscarried naturally, for around 4 hours. Now yes, it’s crude but honest, it was 20 times worse than a heavy period. Everything that had formed came out. Like it had to right? I had clots the size of my entire hand, that’s not a heavy bleed and I don’t think you can ever be prepared for that feeling. But why didn’t I know it would be like that? Wait… because nobody wants to talk about it and share that! But I do, I don’t want people going into the unknown and physically having a panic attack when it happens, my whole body went into complete shock. 

The next day, well two hours later. I went into hospital as planned even though I knew I had passed it. They scanned me to check that the pregnancy sac was no longer there and sent me on my way. It was one of the happiest times of year, two week before Christmas but I felt so sad. I’m so lucky to have the beta family and friends, (and wine) to help me get through!

I fell pregnant again in March. Amazing 😘. I got told just because it had happened once it wasn’t any more likely for it to happen. But then, again it did. A 5% chance and I was in that 5%. 

This time I got an 8 week scan, I had requested an early scan as I was so nervous as you can imagine! 

It went so well, we saw our perfect little baby and heartbeat ticking away. The relief was unbelievable. I had been driving Tom crazy with my worry and being so anxious. We went on holiday, worry free so excited to see my bump growing, especially in a bikini!

As we returned, we had our 12 week scan a few days later. I was so excited about this one, although I had a small doubt in my head still. I kept positive and after my 8 week scan they told me it’s very, very unlikely I would miscarry after seeing a strong heartbeat. I was due to go to Newcastle the next day, to the Little Learners annual conference, meet up with all the girls and motivate myself to push my business to full time. I had my hotel booked and hoped to share my happy news with everyone. 

Tom held my hand tight and again those dreaded words came to my ears as I was being scanned. This time, I was numb. No tears, no emotions just numb. I had lost this baby just days earlier. A million things came into my heard, what date was that? What was I doing? What had I done the day before? What did I do wrong?

I opted for the surgical management straight away this time. I couldn’t go through what I already had and the process of waiting for my body to miscarry naturally was horrendous. The midwife could see my state, both mentally and physically and said she would book me on the emergency list for the next day. 

Even though I had to go through anaesthetic and a procedure I woke up with huge relief. It was over already and now I could begin to pick up those piece again and look forward. I felt sore, but nothing that wasn’t expected. Until 2 days later when those excruciating pains woke me up again. 

This time my mum was with me, I cried in her arms frightened as I remembered those exact pains from last time. She reassured me and found every remedy in her medicine cupboard to help me calm and get back to sleep. An hour later, my body disposed of what I can only describe as the remains. Maybe it was just tissue but I had gone through the operation so I purposely didn’t need to feel that sensation again. I found myself back to square 1, mentally. 

 A couple of weeks have passed since then and I feel better each and everyday. I still have hard days, I expect too as it was only last month and still feels quite raw. I’m trying to focus on happy things and be grateful for what I already have. I know SO many women go through this and I also know SO many women have it ten times worse than I did. This is why I wanted to blog so people open up if they want to and not be embarrassed by the whole thing.

Will I carry anymore babies? Half of me thinks, I’m not sure, I’m not sure I could go through that again. The other half tells me don’t give up, you’re strong. So who knows.. all I know is I count my lucky stars I have my amazing husband and beautiful little boy. I’m so lucky to of had a wonderful pregnancy with Harley, it was almost too good to be true. 

So many women are going through this, even right now.  My message is please don’t hide away, tell people when you’re ready to talk.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of.  I made sure I told my Head teacher, staff, colleagues and even some parents.  The guilt I felt for having two weeks off each times was crazy! But then, when I told them I realised, I needed to stop being so hard on myself and put my feelings and body first this time.

Thank you for taking time to read this and if it helps and prepares even one person to understand more about miscarriage and missed miscarriages, I’ll be happy. The best thing we can do is be honest, TALK and support one another, women to women. 

Lots of love, Coby xx

(Little Learners Milton Keynes & Bedford)